Why Is It So Hard To Talk To Strangers?
A LARC event in Lafayette, Colorado
10 Minute Read
We are not usually afraid of strangers because they are dangerous. We are afraid because they make us visible.
I used to be terrified of talking to strangers.
Not a little nervous. Not “this might be awkward.” I mean full-body panic. Sweaty palms, red face, shaking hands, and the kind of fear that made me pretend I was sick so I could avoid presentations in college.
At the time, I thought that fear meant something was wrong with me. But I have since learned that it is actually very normal. Research shows that people consistently overestimate how awkward or unrewarding conversations with strangers will be, and a simple, week-long intervention designed to help people approach strangers made participants less fearful of rejection and more confident about talking to new people.¹ ²
So why is it so hard to talk to strangers?
Because our brains are trying to protect us from social risk, even when the risk is usually much smaller than it feels.
What We’re Really Afraid Of
When you think about talking to a stranger, what shows up first?
Excitement? Curiosity? Ambivalence? Fear?
For most people, the fear is not really about the stranger. It is about what might happen to us if we try to approach them and start a conversation.
They’re going to judge me.
I’m going to look stupid.
I’m going to say the wrong thing.
I’m going to get rejected.
That fear is deeply human. We are wired to care what other people think because, for most of human history, belonging to the group meant survival. Getting pushed out of the tribe was not just embarrassing; it could be deadly. So even now, our nervous systems still react as if the risk of social embarrassment or rejection is a risk to our survival and health.
That is why talking to a stranger can feel bigger than it is. Starting that conversation asks us to be visible, seen by another person. It asks us to risk not knowing what will happen next. It asks us to admit that we want a genuine connection with this other person before we have any guarantee of receiving it.
And that is scary.
Fear Is a Mile Marker
One thing I have learned is that fear can either be a stop sign or a mile marker.
We tend to treat fear like a warning light that means turn around. But very often, fear is just telling us that we are approaching something meaningful. Something that matters enough to activate our defenses.
That is true when you are about to speak in public. It is true when you are about to tell the truth to someone you love. And it is true when you are about to turn to the person next to you in line and start a conversation.
The problem is not that we do not know what to say. The problem is that we are afraid of what will happen if we say it.
If talking to strangers is something you are afraid of, or even if it creates small amounts of fear and anxiety occasionally, then practice is essential. Practice is what creates confidence. Confidence grows after repeated action, not something we are born with or that magically appears. It grows when you keep small promises to yourself and keep going even when your body and mind say, “maybe not today, I’ll do it later.”
That is why the first step is not to wait until you feel ready. The first step is to become familiar with the fear and move with it anyway.
Stranger Danger
A lot of us were taught a simple rule early in life: do not talk to strangers.
That message was meant to keep us safe, and in some situations, it probably did. But it also trained us to see unfamiliar people as suspicious by default. Over time, that weakens the muscle of curiosity.
Then modern life made it even easier to avoid people altogether.
We can order groceries, work remotely, watch movies, attend meetings, and solve problems without ever speaking face-to-face. We can live whole days surrounded by digital contact and still never have a real interaction with another person.
That would be bad enough on its own. But we are also living in an age of division. Social media and constant news about all that is wrong with our world have trained us to expect conflict, contempt, and offensive or disinterested actions from others. We are flooded with updates about people we do not know, arguments we are not part of, and problems we cannot solve.
No wonder strangers feel harder to approach and connect with in a meaningful way. We have been taught to expect the worst from people we have never met.
But that is not the whole truth.
When we focus only on the rude driver, the impatient cashier, the vicious social media comment, or the awkward moment, we train ourselves to believe the world is full of threat. And when we do that long enough, we stop noticing all the ordinary kindness that is happening around us all the time.
The Hardware Store
I learned this lesson one day at a hardware store, looking for woodworking clamps.
The place was not especially busy, but every customer I encountered seemed irritated, distracted, or oddly aggressive. One person brushed past me and muttered something sharp. Another almost ran into me with a cart without saying a word. The more I noticed their behavior, the worse I felt.
Then the manager came over and asked what I needed. Without hesitation, he walked over to a clearance pile and dug through it for several minutes to help me save a few dollars.
That moment shifted the whole experience for me.
In a culture where everything feels like a subscription upgrade or a hidden fee, it felt like witnessing a rare act of true kindness. He was totally committed to making my day and purchase just a little bit easier. We talked for about 15 minutes after, and he and I ended up equally amazed by each other: me with how he had built his own house from scratch at age 21, and him with me moving to Uganda by myself at the exact same age.
That is the thing about strangers. They can reinforce your fear, or they can restore your faith.
Most of us have had both experiences. We have had rude, dismissive, or exhausting encounters. But we have also had the opposite: the stranger who gave directions, offered patience, held the door, or asked a question at exactly the right moment.
“Fear can be a stop sign. Sometimes it is a mile marker.”
Practice With Strangers
One of the best things about strangers is that they give us a place to practice.
They do not have any context or history about who we are. They do not know our old patterns. They do not carry all the baggage that comes with family, friendships, and long-term relationships. That means a random conversation can be a rehearsal ground for courage.
For me, that became clear in Uganda.
In June 2015, I was in a rural village in Eastern Uganda, and we attended a wedding after only a few days in the community. The bride’s family asked us to give a speech in front of everyone. In Lusoga. A language I had been learning for about ten days.
I was terrified.
But I went for it.
I said the words I could say. The crowd lit up. People smiled, laughed, and encouraged me, not because I was perfect, but because I was trying. Then an older woman wrapped a teal shawl around me and led me into the dancing circle.
That moment taught me something important: the only thing standing between me and more confidence was my fear of looking foolish.
And once I moved through it, the fear lost some of its power.
That is what practice with strangers does. It teaches your nervous system that most social risk is survivable. It teaches you that you can be awkward and still be welcomed. It teaches you that courage is not the absence of fear, but movement through it.
What Strangers Teach Us
The best thing about random conversations with strangers is not just that they are easier than we expect. It is that they change the way we show up everywhere else.
When you practice curiosity with a stranger, you get better at curiosity with your neighbor.
When you can ask a random person a creative question, you can ask that same creative question with your friends.
When you can tolerate a little social uncertainty with someone you just met, you become less defensive in harder conversations with the people you love.
That is why these random conversations matter so much.
They are not just about meeting new people. They are about becoming a more open, patient, and curious person.
And when that happens, you stop seeing yourself as someone who is “bad at people” and start seeing yourself as someone who can meaningfully connect with whoever is in front of you.
“The only thing standing between me and more confidence was my fear of looking foolish.”
You Are Meant To Be Glue
My dad used to call me the “glue.”
The glue is the person who helps two people cross the invisible gap between them. The one who makes it easier for strangers to become acquaintances, and acquaintances to become friends.
I have spent much of my adult life being that person in different rooms, conferences, countries, and conversations. Not because I am the smartest person in the room, and not because I always know exactly what to say. It is because I am willing to go first and help others feel comfortable enough to open up.
That is what random conversations teach us. They teach us how to be the kind of person who makes genuine connection easier for everyone else.
That is why the world needs glue. Not people who force agreement, but people who create enough opportunity for genuine, healthy conversations to blossom.
Most of us have not lost our ability to connect; we are just lacking opportunities to practice. When we finally get that rare moment to sit across from someone who actually wants to listen, this ability comes back online. We can actually disagree without exploding in anger, and be ideologically different without feeling completely divided.
If you are reading this, I would bet good money you are the glue. Maybe you have known it your whole life. You are the one who sees people. People come to you, open up to you, trust you quickly. You feel when someone is on the outside feeling left out. You sense when meaningful connection is possible, and you step toward it instead of away.
Or maybe it is subtler. Something only you know about yourself. You want to be that person, you are ready to be, and you are here to sharpen that quality until it becomes a real skill.
The glue reminds us that we are far more similar than we are different. Our world does not need more talkers. It needs more glue.
Your Question to Chew On
At the deepest level, talking to strangers is not really about strangers.
It is about whether we believe that genuine connection, trust, and friendship is still possible in every random person we encounter.
Do we still believe new people can surprise us and teach us something new?
Do we still believe most people are better than our fear or the news says they are?
Do we still believe that a conversation with someone we do not know might actually matter to both of us?
That belief changes everything. Because once you believe it is possible, the next question becomes simple: what would happen if I went first with the next person I meet?
Try This Today
Start one random conversation. Ask the person next to you an honest question, or share something honest about yourself. Compliment someone sincerely. Ask a cashier how their day is going and really listen for their answer. Check in with the person sitting alone and ask if they want some company. Smile and make eye contact.
You just need enough courage to begin, not some perfect opener or line.
Maybe with: “Hey, may I ask you a random question?”
That may be enough to change the direction of someone else’s day, and maybe your own.
We are not meant to live as if every unfamiliar person is a threat. Most strangers are not the enemy. Most are just people waiting for an opportunity to be heard, seen, and valued by another person who is really ready to listen. And sometimes, when you go first, you give them that chance.
It can feel hard and scary to talk to strangers. These random conversations ask us to become braver than we often give ourselves credit for.
Sources
Sandstrom, G. M., Boothby, E. J., & Cooney, G. (2022). Talking to strangers: A week-long intervention reduces psychological barriers to social connection. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 102, 104435.
Atir, S., Wald, K. A., & Epley, N. (2022). Talking with strangers is surprisingly informative. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 119(34), e2206992119.
Sandstrom, G. M., & Boothby, E. J. (2021). Why do people avoid talking to strangers? A mini meta-analysis of predicted fears and actual experiences talking to a stranger. Self and Identity, 20(1), 47–71.
